We have all heard the advice – slow down, take a pause, be more present. But what does that actually mean in the middle of everyday life? 

In our new book, The Tyranny Of Speed (2025), Prof Eugene Tee and I explore the tendency to rush through the most important parts of living – how we work, how we treat ourselves, and how we connect with others.

Our aim wasn’t to offer formulas but suggestions for noticing more, and giving time to what matters without feeling like life is constantly slipping through our fingers.

If we’re always moving from one thing to the next, it’s hard to know what slowing down even looks like. Let’s take an example from a relationship: One person in a relationship might say they don’t feel heard, understood, or valued. In response, their partner does everything they can to fix the issue and avoid further conflict. Despite their best intentions, this rush to solve can compound the very problem they’re trying to fix. The complaint wasn’t, “You never try to solve our issues”, it was, “I don’t feel heard.”

Between naming the problem and the instinct to fix it lies an invitation to step back. That might mean asking, “What do you mean when you say you don’t feel heard?” and “What can I do to help you feel understood?”

It sounds straightforward, but it’s often anything but. For some, vulnerability feels too exposed. Others might have grown up in homes where feelings weren’t discussed, and strength was measured by how quickly they could find a solution.

Or perhaps making space feels dangerous – as though doing so might lift the rug and expose everything that’s long been swept beneath it. Then it’s no longer just a single issue but a deeper fear: What if neither person can be the ideal partner? What do we do with that?

We see a similar pattern when parents are faced with their child’s emotional distress. Sometimes it feels easier to deny that anything is wrong. The child just needs to get out more, think positively, be grateful, and carry on.

Again, the instinct is to fix. The faster we find a solution, the quicker the problem can disappear. But this reflex can be part of the problem. It’s why, in therapy, people often say, “I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but...” or, “I just need to get rid of these feelings – I don’t want to be a burden”.

I often suggest that regardless of whether we should or shouldn’t feel a certain way, the feeling is already here. If it’s here, we might as well look at it – without judging or rushing to get rid of it.

We can’t work through something we refuse to acknowledge. If all it took was a bit of positive thinking, none of us would struggle. This same hurry plays out in everyday conversations. Sometimes, we’re not really speaking with someone – we’re just volleying responses.

One person says, “Hi, how are you? Long time no see!” The other replies, “I’m fine, thanks, just back from my holiday”. The first responds, “Oh, that’s great – we went on holiday last month”, and the exchange rolls on with a breezy, “How nice, it’s wonderful to get away”. The rhythm is fast, the tone polite, but the interaction is hollow.

Being intentional could change the tone entirely. Imagine the first replies, “Oh, lovely – where did you go?” When we slow down and ask questions – when we become curious instead of reacting automatically – we begin to notice the other person. That noticing becomes interest, interest becomes connection, and connection softens the sense of isolation and loneliness that many people carry.

In a fast-moving world, it’s easy to forget: slowing down doesn’t mean doing less – it means experiencing more.

For parents, this might mean being curious about their child’s experience without comparing (“When I was growing up, we didn’t have...”) or dismissing (“What problems can you have?”).

While some parents might view their child’s struggles as a reflection of their parenting or believe that a comfortable life should equal a happy one, these assumptions don’t always hold true – though in some cases, they might play a role.

Either way, avoiding the issue or rushing to fix it often makes things worse. Over time, it can erode the relationship in ways that leave everyone more isolated and misunderstood.

Slowing down isn’t about becoming passive or doing nothing. Instead, we give the people in our lives (and ourselves) a bit more space.

We might ask a few curious questions, allow the silence to linger a little longer, or sit with discomfort instead of sprinting past it.

These might not feel like much, but they can help us shift from the mundane to the meaningful.

Sometimes, we just need more room to be heard, to feel, and to be met – not with solutions, but with presence. That’s what builds connection. Not speed, but attention.